Mother’s Day and grief: how to get through this day when your mum isn’t there (or isn’t the same as she used to be)

For many people, Mother’s Day is a day of affection, gratitude and togetherness. But when you are grieving – whether for the loss of your mother or because of an illness that is profoundly changing her – this very day can become difficult, bittersweet, and at times painful.

Not everyone experiences it in the same way. Some prefer to avoid it, some find it hard to get through, and some feel the need to pause and remember.

When Mother’s Day is no longer a celebration

For those who have lost their mother, Mother’s Day is not just an occasion. It is a time when her absence becomes more evident.

It is not just the memory, but the confrontation with what is no longer there:

• the message that can no longer be sent
• the phone call that will never happen
• the simple gesture that used to come naturally

At times like these, the pain can surface more intensely, even if it seemed more manageable in the days leading up to it. This does not mean that ‘you are regressing’; it means that the relationship with your mother continues to exist and is reactivated, along with the full range of emotions associated with loss.

Mourning a mother is a unique kind of grief

The loss of a mother has specific characteristics. It concerns not just a relationship, but often a foundational bond built on care, security, belonging, continuity…

For this reason, the grief can touch very deep levels of experience. It can give rise to:

• a sense of disorientation
• a loss of bearings
• intense nostalgia, even for very concrete aspects

Every relationship is unique, but mourning a mother – compared to other types of bereavement – often has a particular quality.

When the mother is still alive, but is changing

Then there is another experience, less visible but just as intense: anticipatory grief.

When a mother is struck by a serious illness, such as dementia or advanced Alzheimer’s, one may experience a form of progressive loss.

The person is still there, but:

• the way they communicate changes
• recognition diminishes
• roles shift

Even in these situations, Mother’s Day can be just as complex. Because it is not a matter of total absence, but of a presence that is no longer what it once was.

And for me, too, this occasion has a special meaning.

My mother is still alive, but she has advanced Alzheimer’s. She no longer understands or communicates as she once did, and I cannot be physically close to her at this time.

So I don’t send my wishes via a message or a phone call. I send them from within, in my thoughts, in my memory, in that thread that remains even when the relationship changes form.

It is a different way of being on this day. Not better or worse, just different. And I believe that many people find themselves, in different ways, in a similar situation.

What might emerge on this day and how to experience it

Mother’s Day, whilst in mourning, can trigger different experiences. Some of the most common:

• A more pronounced sense of absence. The loss becomes more tangible, more visible.
• Conflicting emotions. Sadness, nostalgia, but also love, gratitude, and sometimes anger.
• A disconnect with your surroundings. Others are celebrating, whilst inside you are experiencing something very different.
• Strain on relationships. Questions, expectations or attempts to ‘cheer you up’ can be difficult to deal with.

These experiences are not a problem to be solved. They are part of what grief is. For me, today and in these days, for example, it is above all a stronger, more painful, more nostalgic sense of absence…

One of the most important things to say is this: there is no ‘right’ way to experience Mother’s Day whilst grieving.

There is no right behaviour, nor an attitude to adopt. It may make sense to:

• to avoid the day
• get through it mindfully
• create a small space for remembrance
• spending time with others or being alone

The point isn’t to do ‘the right thing’, but to find a way that works for you today.

Some ways to get through the day

These are not rigid rules to follow, nor are they “right” guidelines for everyone. Rather, they are possibilities, different ways of being in the present moment, which you can consider and adapt to what feels most right for you.

1. Making space for remembrance

It can be helpful to set aside a moment, however brief, to intentionally make space for remembrance. It doesn’t have to be anything formal or contrived: it could be a thought, a photograph, a memory that comes to mind. The idea isn’t to amplify the pain, but to acknowledge that that relationship still exists, in a different form, and that it can have a place within this day.

2. Lower your expectations

Anniversaries carry with them implicit expectations, often shared socially: “it should be a happy day”, “I should feel a certain way”. When you are grieving, these expectations can become a source of pressure. Lowering them means allowing yourself to experience this day without having to conform to an external model, allowing yourself to feel bad, to be distant, or simply to feel nothing in particular.

3. Create a symbolic gesture

Sometimes it can help to transform a memory into a concrete gesture. Not something grand or solemn, but something that holds personal significance: lighting a candle, listening to music, writing a few lines. Symbolic gestures help to give shape to the relationship that continues, creating a space where the bond can be acknowledged and experienced.

4. Modulating your presence

It is not necessary to choose between ‘participating’ or ‘avoiding it completely’. In many cases, it may be more sustainable to find a middle ground: being there for a limited time, allowing yourself breaks, stepping away if it becomes too much. This allows you to stay in touch with the outside world without pushing yourself beyond your own inner limits.

5. Welcoming what emerges

Perhaps the most important aspect is this: allowing what emerges to be there, without trying to change it immediately. Whether sadness, nostalgia, anger or even moments of apparent light-heartedness arise, all of this can have its place. It is not necessary to ‘feel a certain way’. Accepting does not mean resigning oneself, but avoiding adding a further layer of strain by trying to control what one feels.

Over time, everyone finds their own ways of getting through these anniversaries. Personally, from a distance, unable to be physically close to my mother, I baked a cake that she used to make. A simple gesture, but one laden with memories and affection for me. It is not a way of replacing the relationship, but of trying to remain within that bond, in a form that is possible today.

Even writing this post and sending out the newsletter are part of this way of getting through the day. They are not just content or work. For me, in some way, they are gestures of presence, of remembrance, of continuity.

There is no one right or universal way. But there are personal, small, imperfect ways, and sometimes, it is precisely these that allow us to stay connected with those who are no longer with us 😉

Ultimately… Mother’s Day, in the context of bereavement, is not just an occasion; it is a moment when:

• the bond is rekindled
• the absence is felt
• the relationship continues, in a different form

It is not a day to ‘get through’, but rather a day to navigate. And everyone can navigate it in their own way.

And sometimes, getting through it simply means this: sending your best wishes, not out loud, but in your heart… or on a web page.

Happy birthday, Mum, I love you to bits!