Grief in childhood: talking about loss to make sense of it
Grief is an inevitable part of every human being’s life, yet when it comes to children, it still tends to be shrouded in silence, hesitation and misunderstanding. Faced with loss, many adults feel at a loss: they fear saying too much, saying the wrong thing, or exposing young children to a pain they imagine to be unbearable.
This concern often leads to an implicit choice: to remain silent, to put it off, to protect. But is this really the kind of protection children need?
Children and the perception of loss
Contrary to what has long been thought, children are not strangers to the experience of grief. Even when they do not yet possess the cognitive tools to fully understand the meaning of death, they are deeply sensitive to what is happening around them.
They sense absences, changes in routines, and the emotions of adults. In other words, they sense that something has happened even when no one mentions it.
The risk, in such cases, is not so much that the child will suffer – because they will suffer in some way regardless – but that they will find themselves going through this experience in isolation, without words and without any frame of reference to understand what is happening. Without explanations, without being able to ask questions or be helped to express what they are feeling. The child may be worried or frightened about the present and also about the future. How will their life change? What will happen? And if there are no adults available to answer their questions and help them make sense of what they are going through, the pain of loss is compounded by the burden of loneliness.
The silence of adults
Silence is often motivated by a desire to protect. We try to avoid pain, to ‘shield’ the child from something that seems too overwhelming. However, this silence can turn into a void of meaning.
When death is not explained, the child tends to construct their own interpretations, which may be confusing or far more frightening than reality itself. In the absence of a shared language, of explanations, of answers to their doubts and questions, the experience of grief risks remaining fragmented and difficult to process.
Talking about death, therefore, does not mean increasing the pain, but making it something that can be thought about, shared and overcome.
From grief to nostalgia
Proper support through the various stages of grief is essential so that the child can navigate this experience in a sustainable way and not be overwhelmed by it. It is not a matter of eliminating the pain, but of offering a presence capable of giving meaning to what is happening, through words, listening and emotional sharing.
In this way, grief can become not only an experience of loss, but also a process of transforming the bond. Grief, initially experienced as a rupture and absence, can over time evolve into something different: a form of inner presence, made up of memories, affection and continuity.
Only from this perspective is ‘letting go’ not about forgetting, but rather the possibility of transforming the bond, making it compatible with the reality of loss: an emotional way of being that allows us to keep the relationship with the person who is no longer with us alive, integrating it into our own story.
This transition is particularly important for children, who need to feel that the bond with their loved one does not disappear, but changes form and remains within them.
And perhaps this is precisely where the deepest meaning of death education lies: not teaching how to avoid loss, but how to remain connected to what is lost, constructing meanings that make it possible to carry on living, whilst carrying with us what has been.
“Accompanying through” rather than “protecting from” grief
Talking about grief in childhood therefore means shifting our perspective. It is not about avoiding pain, but about accompanying it. Not about having perfect answers, but about being there.
Adults – parents, teachers, professionals – play a fundamental role in making this process possible. Offering simple, sincere words, welcoming emotions, creating spaces for expression: these are the tools that allow a child to go through the grieving process without being overwhelmed by it.
Because whilst it is true that pain cannot be eliminated, it is equally true that it can be shared, reflected upon and transformed.
The article was written by Dr Elisa Ciani, psychologist and psychotherapist. Elisa will be hosting a free online session on Monday 8 June 2026, from 6pm to 7pm, on precisely these topics:
Grief in childhood: how to support children through experiences of loss
