Why grief makes those around us feel uncomfortable

When someone we know loses a loved one, it is often not just the person directly experiencing the bereavement who feels at a loss. Those around them – friends, family members, colleagues – may also feel a sense of unease, uncertainty and sometimes even a desire to avoid the situation.

Many people find themselves thinking: ‘I don’t know what to say’, ‘I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing’, ‘It’s better not to disturb them’. This experience is extremely common, but it is rarely spoken about.

Understanding why grief makes those close to the bereaved feel uncomfortable is a crucial step. Not only to normalise these reactions, but also to reduce the risk that this discomfort turns into distance at precisely the moment when the person needs closeness the most.

Grief confronts us with something we cannot control

One of the main reasons for this discomfort is that grief exposes us to a dimension that, in everyday life, we tend to keep at arm’s length: loss, mortality, and the unpredictability of life.

When someone close to us loses a loved one, this event shatters a sort of ‘illusion of stability’ that we often take for granted. It reminds us that:

• relationships can end suddenly
• life can change without warning
• we have no real control over what happens

From a psychological perspective, this can trigger a defensive reaction. The distress we feel concerns not only the other person, but also ourselves.

In many cases, the other person’s grief implicitly triggers a difficult question: “What if it happened to me too?”

The fear of not knowing what to say

A second key factor is the difficulty in communicating. Grief is one of those situations where the usual rules of conversation seem to no longer apply.

In everyday life, we are used to:

• solving problems
• giving advice
• looking for solutions
• reassuring

In bereavement, all of this loses its effectiveness. There is no solution to offer, nor any way to ‘fix’ what has happened.

This lack of familiar tools often leads to a sense of helplessness. People fear:

• saying something inappropriate
• trivialise the grief
• unintentionally causing hurt

Consequently, they may choose to reduce contact or maintain an emotional distance.

In reality, as outlined in the guide on how to help someone who is grieving, the value of communication at such times lies not in the perfection of the words, but in the quality of one’s presence.

Discomfort in the face of intense emotions

Grief is often accompanied by very strong emotions: deep sadness, anger, guilt, despair. Not everyone feels comfortable dealing with such intense emotions.

Some factors that increase this discomfort are:

• a lack of familiarity with emotional expression
• cultural contexts where grief is rarely shared
• personal difficulty in tolerating others’ suffering

From a clinical perspective, this phenomenon can also be understood in the light of theories on emotional regulation: when we observe an intense emotion in another person, our emotional system may be triggered automatically (processes of resonance or ‘emotional contagion’).

If we lack sufficient tools to regulate this activation, we may unconsciously try to reduce it:

• changing the subject
• offering quick solutions
• distancing ourselves

This explains why, at times, discomfort leads to behaviours that may be perceived as lacking empathy, even if that is not the intention.

The need to ‘fix’ what cannot be fixed

Many people approach relationships with an implicit logic: if someone is suffering, something must be done to make them feel better.

In bereavement, this logic breaks down. There is no intervention that can eliminate the pain of loss. This can generate a feeling of helplessness.

Helplessness is a difficult emotion to bear. To avoid it, some people try to:

• offer explanations (“it’s for the best”, “at least they’re no longer suffering”)
• focus on the future (“you must move on”)
• downplay the pain

These strategies do not stem from a lack of sensitivity, but from an attempt to restore a sense of control.

However, as is also clearly evident in contemporary models of grief (for example, in the Dual Process Model or in Meaning Reconstruction approaches), the process of adaptation does not involve the immediate reduction of pain, but rather the ability to engage with it over time.

Grief breaks the “implicit social rules”

Another often underestimated factor is that grief alters habitual social dynamics.

In everyday life, there are implicit rules that guide interactions:

• reciprocity (I give and I receive)
• light-heartedness in conversation
• restrained emotional expression

In bereavement, these rules may be set aside. The person may:

• talk a lot about the loss
• be less open to reciprocity
• express intense or unpredictable emotions

Those around them may feel disoriented because they no longer know what the ‘rules of the game’ are.

This contributes to discomfort and can lead, in some cases, to a gradual distancing.

The time factor: when grief ‘lasts too long’

In the first few days after a loss, social support tends to be stronger. However, as time goes on, those around the person often expect them to gradually return to normal.

When this does not happen, a further level of distress may emerge. People may start to think:

• “It’s been a long time…”
• “They should be feeling a bit better…”

This kind of expectation stems from a simplified view of grief, often influenced by linear models or cultural beliefs.

In reality, as explored in the journey of processing grief, time alone does not determine change. Grief is a complex, non-linear and deeply individual process.

When those close to the bereaved lack this understanding, they may feel confused or frustrated, increasing the emotional distance between them.

Comparing it with one’s own personal history

Another person’s grief can trigger past personal experiences. For example:

• unresolved losses
• memories of past bereavements
• fears related to loss

This can intensify distress, because the relationship with the other person also becomes a mirror of one’s own history.

In some cases, this leads to greater empathic closeness. In others, it can lead to avoidance, precisely to avoid coming into contact with difficult personal emotions.

When distress leads to distance

If left unacknowledged, this distress can manifest in concrete behaviours:

• reduced contact
• increasingly sporadic messages
• difficulty in meeting up
• avoidance of the subject of loss

From the bereaved person’s perspective, this can be experienced as a form of abandonment. This creates a paradoxical dynamic:

• the person in grief needs closeness
• those who could offer it withdraw out of discomfort

Understanding this mechanism is essential to breaking it.

Grief as a relational (not merely individual) experience

One of the most important insights emerging from contemporary literature is that grief is not merely an internal experience, but also a relational process.

Theories of ‘continuing bonds’, for example, emphasise how the bond with the deceased continues over time. Similarly, the current relational context (family, friends, social network) profoundly influences the way in which grief is experienced.

This means that the distress of those close to the bereaved is not a marginal factor, but an integral part of the ecosystem of grief.

How to transform discomfort into presence

Discomfort, in itself, is not a problem. It only becomes problematic when it leads to distance. If acknowledged, however, it can become a starting point.

Some useful steps are:

• accepting that there is no perfect way to help
• tolerating one’s own sense of helplessness
• staying present even when you don’t know what to say
• listening rather than talking

In many cases, what really makes the difference is not expertise, but the willingness to stay connected even when it is difficult.

For those wishing to gain a deeper understanding of the emotional dynamics involved, it may also be helpful to explore the guide on emotions in grief and loss, which examines the nature of the main emotional experiences in these contexts.

A change of perspective

Helping someone who is grieving does not mean eliminating distress, either one’s own or the other person’s. It means learning to be present in a situation that, by its very nature, is complex, uncertain and often painful.

When distress is acknowledged rather than avoided, it can transform into something different: a more authentic form of presence, less focused on ‘doing’ and more oriented towards ‘being’.

And, in the context of grief, it is often precisely this kind of presence that is most meaningful.