Why grief comes in waves (and 5 useful techniques for managing it)

March 28, 2026 · Luca Luca · Uncategorized

Many people who are grieving describe their experience in much the same way: “There are times when I feel a bit better… and then suddenly it all comes flooding back, like a wave washing over me.”

This experience is extremely common. The pain of grief does not follow a linear, predictable pattern, but tends to come and go, with periods of greater intensity alternating with moments of respite.

Understanding why grief comes in waves is important. But it is just as important to know how to cope with them when they arrive.

In this article, we will look at both aspects:

  • why the pain of grief moves in this way
  • 5 practical techniques for managing emotional waves when they become intense

For a broader understanding of the grieving process, you can start with this guide: “Coping with Grief: A Comprehensive Guide to Dealing with Loss”

 

What does it mean that grief comes in waves?

One of the most widespread beliefs is that grief follows a linear path: first the pain, then acceptance, and finally a return to normality. In reality, grief is a much more complex process.

It does not proceed in a linear fashion, but through back-and-forth movements, moments of contact with the pain and moments of respite.

This means that you may:

  • feel better for a few days
  • and then suddenly experience very intense pain
  • without this meaning that you are getting worse

These fluctuations are normal. If you want to understand how to deal with them in practical terms, you can also read more here: “How to cope with grief: strategies, advice and exercises for dealing with the loss of a loved one”

Saying that grief comes in waves means that the pain is not constant. At first, the waves are often stronger and closer together. Over time, many people notice that they become more spaced out and more manageable.

 

The role of the emotional system

The main reason why grief comes in waves is linked to how the emotional system works.

The pain of loss can be very intense. If it were constant, it would be almost unbearable.

This is why the nervous system alternates between:

  • moments of contact with the pain
  • moments of respite

It is a form of natural self-regulation.

 

Triggers: why pain returns suddenly

The flare-ups are often triggered by specific stimuli. Among the most common:

Even small details can rekindle the pain.

This is linked to the fact that the bond with the loved one continues to exist. The bond with the loved one does not disappear, but it can change. This concept is known as ‘continuing bonds’

 

Aren’t these flashbacks a step backwards?

One of the most common mistakes is to think:

  • “I’m getting worse”
  • “I’m going backwards”

In reality, this is not the case. The waves are part of the process. They are not a regression, but a way in which the system integrates the loss over time.

These waves aren’t just emotional, but physical too.

Many people experience:

  • tightness in the chest
  • a lump in the throat
  • muscle tension
  • shortness of breath

For this reason, the most effective techniques focus specifically on the body. Here you can find a guide to the symptoms of grief and loss and how grief manifests itself when we lose someone or something

 

5 useful techniques for managing waves of grief

When an emotional wave hits, we cannot eliminate it, but we can make it more bearable.

Here are 5 practical techniques that can help.

 

1. Sensory-motor grounding: returning to the present

Grounding involves bringing your attention back to the here and now through your body.

When the pain rises, you can:

  • plant your feet firmly on the ground
  • look at 5 objects around you
  • feel your body’s contact with the chair

This helps to break the emotional spiral and regain stability. Read more here: Sensory-motor grounding: returning to the body in the pain of grief

 

2. 4-7-8 Breathing: calming the nervous system

This technique is very simple:

  • breathe in while counting to 4
  • hold your breath for 7
  • breathe out slowly for 8

Repeated several times, it helps to reduce emotional arousal.

It is particularly useful when you feel:

  • anxiety
  • restlessness
  • a feeling of tightness

 

3. Progressive muscle relaxation: releasing tension

The pain of grief often builds up in the body.

This technique involves:

  • voluntarily tensing a muscle group
  • releasing it slowly

It helps reduce physical tension and promotes a sense of calm. Find out more here: Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) for stress, anxiety, insomnia and somatic disorders

 

4. Mindfulness body scan: listening to the body

The body scan is a guided mindfulness practice.

It involves slowly bringing your attention to different parts of the body, observing sensations without judgement.

It helps to:

  • increase awareness
  • reduce emotional reactivity
  • create a more stable inner space

 

5. Self-tapping: regulation through rhythm

Self-tapping involves gently tapping yourself in an alternating pattern (for example, on your shoulders or arms).

This rhythmic stimulus helps the nervous system to:

  • stabilise
  • reduce emotional intensity
  • regain a sense of security

You can read more here: Self-tapping: a self-help technique for coping with grief and soothing emotional pain

 

The waves change over time

In most cases, over time:

  • they become less frequent
  • less intense
  • more manageable

The pain does not disappear completely, but it changes.

Grief is not a straight line. It is a process of ups and downs, of waves that come and go.

Embracing this movement, rather than fighting it, can help you cope with it in a more sustainable way.

Because grief is not something you get over once and for all.
It is something you navigate, one wave at a time.