When it comes to grief, one of the most common ideas is that pain follows a sequence of specific stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Many people try to understand 'which stage of grief they are at', as if the process were a kind of orderly journey.

But is this really the case?

Contemporary bereavement psychology has gradually revised this idea. Today, we know that grief rarely follows a linear and predictable path.

In this article, we explore:

• where the model of the stages of grief comes from
• what the latest scientific research says
• why grief is actually a much more complex and personal process
• which models today best help us understand the pain of loss.

The stages of grief model: where it comes from

The idea of the stages of grief derives mainly from the work of psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who published her famous book On Death and Dying in 1969.

In her model, a person facing loss may go through five emotional states:

1. Denial – difficulty in accepting the reality of the loss
2. Anger – frustration, injustice, resentment
3. Bargaining – mental attempts to change the outcome of the loss ('if only…')
4. Depression – deep sadness, sense of emptiness
5. Acceptance – gradual integration of the loss into one's life

This model has become widely used because it offers a simple map for understanding grief.

However, over the years, scholars have begun to highlight some important limitations.

The problem with 'stages': grief is not linear

The most recent research shows that there is no universal and predictable emotional trajectory in grief.

Many people do not go through all the stages. Others experience very different emotions in grief or experience them in a completely different order.

Grief can include:

• moments of intense sadness
• phases of apparent normality
• sudden returns of pain
• periods of anger or guilt
• moments of relief or even joy.

These fluctuations do not indicate that something is wrong: they are a natural part of the process of adapting to loss.

In other words, grief is not a ladder to be climbed gradually, but rather a dynamic and often unpredictable movement.

Grief as a process of adjustment

Contemporary psychology tends to describe grief as a process of adapting to loss, not as a sequence of mandatory stages.

Over time, many people move from what scholars call acute grief to a form of integrated grief.

In acute grief:

• the pain is intense
• the mind is often preoccupied with memories of the lost person
• very strong physical and emotional symptoms may emerge.

As time passes, for many people grief becomes integrated into daily life:

• the loss is gradually recognised as real
• the pain remains, but no longer dominates one's entire existence
• memories become more 'bittersweet'
• new interests, relationships and projects develop.

This change does not mean forgetting the loved one, but learning to live with the loss.

New models of grief: beyond the stages

In recent decades, more complex and realistic models of grief have been developed.

Among the most influential are:

1. The Dual Process Model

Proposed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, it describes grief as a continuous back and forth between two dimensions:

1. coping with the pain of loss
2. the attempt to adapt to a new life.

This explains why a person may cry intensely one day and feel relatively stable the next.

This is not inconsistency: it is part of the adaptation process.

2. Rebuilding meaning

According to psychologist Robert Neimeyer, one of the main challenges of grief is rebuilding meaning in one's life after loss.

When someone important dies, deep-seated beliefs about:

• security
• justice
• identity
• the future.

The work of mourning therefore also consists of reconstructing a narrative of one's life that includes the loss.

3. Continuing Bonds

In the past, it was thought that grieving meant 'letting go' of the deceased person.

Today, we know that many people find comfort in maintaining a symbolic bond with those who are no longer with us.

This can be done through:

• memories
• rituals
• inner dialogues
• values passed on by the loved one.

The relationship changes form, but does not necessarily disappear.

Why the idea of stages can be misleading

The stages model can become problematic when it leads us to think that:

• there is a 'right' way to grieve
• you have to go through every stage
• after a certain amount of time, the pain should end.

In reality:

• some people show strong resilience right from the start
• others go through very long periods of pain
• Others alternate between different stages over time.

Every bereavement is influenced by many factors:

• the type of relationship with the deceased
• the circumstances of death
• personal history
• social support
• culture.

When grief becomes too difficult

For most people, grief gradually becomes integrated into their lives.

In some cases, however, grief can become persistent and very debilitating, as in prolonged grief disorder, recognised in international diagnostic manuals.

In these situations:

• the pain remains intense for a long time
• the person struggles to reinvest in life
• daily functioning remains compromised.

In these cases, specialised psychological support for grief may be helpful.

In summary: are the stages of grief a myth?

Not entirely. The stages model has had the merit of opening a public conversation about grief and recognising the variety of emotions that can arise after a loss.

However, today psychology considers grief to be:

• non-linear
• non-universal
• deeply personal.

Rather than going through predefined stages, grief is a process of transformation in one's life after a significant loss.

A process that can include pain, nostalgia, anger, but also – over time – new forms of meaning and connection with life.