Seeking refuge in work after a bereavement: when overworking becomes a way of numbing the pain

Following a significant loss, one’s relationship with work almost always changes.

For some, it becomes difficult even just to start the day. For others, however, something seemingly opposite happens: they work harder, longer, and with greater intensity. They fill up their diaries, take on new tasks, and cut back on breaks.

On the surface, this behaviour is often seen as strength, resilience, a desire to move forward. But beneath the surface, it is not always so straightforward.

In many cases, working so hard after a bereavement is not just a practical choice, but a more complex form of coping: a way of avoiding coming into too close contact with what one is going through.

When work becomes a refuge

Grief is an experience that deeply affects both mind and body. It is not just about sadness, but a complex set of reactions: disorientation, emptiness, mental fatigue, difficulty concentrating, and emotional fluctuations.

Many people describe a feeling of a ‘foggy mind’, a sort of cognitive slowdown that makes it difficult to think, remember or maintain focus. Yet not everyone reacts by slowing down.

For some, work becomes the place where they can carry on functioning. A setting where the rules are clear, the tasks defined, the expectations explicit. Where, at least for a few hours, it is possible to suspend the inner chaos.

It is not necessarily a conscious choice. It is more often a spontaneous reaction… when staying inside is too difficult, one stays outside… when feeling is too intense, one acts.

Why it happens

The reasons for seeking refuge in work after a bereavement are varied, and often intertwined.

One of the most common concerns the need to avoid pain. Grief requires, in some way, that we stop and feel: the loss, the memories, the absence. But this contact can be very exhausting, especially at the beginning or in more complex bereavements. Work, with its structure and demands, offers an alternative route: it allows you to keep your mind occupied, to shift your focus, to temporarily reduce the emotional impact.

Then there is the issue of control. Loss creates a rupture: something significant has happened that could not be prevented. The sense of stability is lost. Work, by contrast, can represent a space where things are still predictable and manageable. Where there are tasks to be carried out and results to be achieved. Taking refuge in work can become a way of regaining a sense of direction.

The cultural dimension should not be underestimated either. In many contexts, grief is rarely visible, rarely spoken of, rarely supported. It is expected, more or less explicitly, that the person will ‘get back to work’ quickly. Sometimes it is the person themselves who internalises this expectation: not stopping becomes a way of not feeling inadequate, fragile, out of place.

Finally, work can offer something even deeper: a sense of identity. After a loss, many people struggle to recognise themselves. Their role in life changes; their bearings shift. In this sense, work can act as an anchor: a place where one continues to be ‘someone’, to occupy a defined position.

When working too much becomes a problem

Taking refuge in work is not always a bad thing. At certain stages, it can be helpful: it allows you to maintain a routine, to stay grounded in reality, and to avoid feeling completely overwhelmed.

The point is not the amount of work itself, but the function that work fulfils.

It becomes problematic when work completely replaces every other kind of experience. When there is no room left to pause, to think, to feel. When every spare moment is filled to avoid the void. In such cases, the pain does not disappear. It remains in the background, unprocessed, and may resurface suddenly or with greater intensity over time.

From a psychological perspective, too, we know that certain avoidance strategies can interfere with the process of adapting to grief. The tendency to constantly shift one’s attention or to never engage with one’s inner experience can make it harder to integrate the loss into one’s life story.

Another sign to watch out for is a state of constant arousal. When one works without breaks, without moments of recovery, the nervous system can remain in a state of prolonged alertness. In bereavement, this is particularly significant, as the emotional stress already present can be amplified, affecting concentration, memory and emotional regulation.

Over time, fatigue, irritability, relationship difficulties and a sense of meaninglessness may arise. Work, which initially provided protection, becomes itself a source of exhaustion.

And then there is a less visible but important aspect: the sudden return of grief. When it finds no outlet, grief tends to surface at the least predictable moments. A break, a weekend, an unexpected event. Or, quite simply, after months when ‘everything seemed to be going well’.

It is not a choice between working or feeling

It is easy to fall into a rigid way of thinking: either you work and move on, or you stop and face the pain. But the grieving process does not work in terms of clear-cut alternatives.

People, naturally, fluctuate. There are moments when the pain is more present, others when one returns to daily activities. This fluctuation is not a sign of inconsistency, but a natural part of the process.

The problem arises when this fluctuation comes to a standstill. When one remains solely in the realm of doing, without ever accessing the realm of feeling.

It is not always immediately obvious. Certain signs can help you find your bearings.

There may be a tendency to fill every moment, to avoid pauses or silences. The unease that arises when one is not engaged in something can be an important indicator. Similarly, working more than necessary, even in the absence of real demands, or perceiving work as the only space where one feels ‘at ease’, can be signs worth considering.

It is not a question of judging these behaviours, but of understanding their meaning.

Integrating work and grief

The aim is not to stop working, nor to force oneself to feel everything at once. Rather, it is about building a more flexible relationship between work and one’s inner experience.

A first step might be to recognise the function that work is fulfilling at that moment. Not in terms of right or wrong, but of usefulness: “Why do I need to work so much right now?”

Then, gradually, it can be helpful to introduce small moments of connection. Not necessarily long or structured ones. Even brief moments in which you allow yourself to pause, to listen to what is there, without having to resolve it.

It is also important to accept that grief does not require a constant presence in pain. It is possible to work, to function, to have moments of light-heartedness. And at the same time to feel the loss, to go through difficult moments.

Finally, context matters. The way in which the workplace and social environment respond to grief can make a huge difference. When there are spaces where grief is acknowledged and validated, it becomes easier not to have to hide or avoid it.

In conclusion, taking refuge in work after a bereavement is an understandable reaction. It can be a form of protection, a way of staying grounded in reality, a strategy for coping with what is too intense.

It becomes problematic when work takes up all the space, leaving out any possibility of contact with the emotional experience.

It is not a question of choosing between working and feeling. It is about allowing both dimensions to exist, without one completely cancelling out the other.

Sometimes, the starting point is very simple: don’t stop working, but start creating small spaces where you don’t have to do anything.