Polyvagal Theory. Why your nervous system may feel on alert, stuck, or drained after a loss
When we experience grief – whether it is the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, health or a role that defines our identity – it is not only our mind that reacts. First and foremost, it is our nervous system that reacts.
Stephen Porges, with his Polyvagal Theory, offers us a powerful key to understanding what happens in the body and emotions when we experience loss.
Grief is not just pain: it is a neurobiological response
According to Polyvagal Theory, our autonomic nervous system functions in three main modes:
- Venterovagal system (connection and safety)
- Sympathetic system (fight/flight, alarm)
- Dorsovagal system (freeze, collapse, shutdown)
In grief and loss, these modes can alternate intensely and unpredictably.
1) Venterovagal state – Safety and connection
When we are in this state:
- We may cry and feel sad, but we remain present.
- We are able to talk about the loss.
- We feel closeness and support.
In mourning, this state can emerge in moments of sharing, in rituals, in fond memories.
2) Sympathetic state – Alarm and hyperarousal
Here we may experience:
- Intense anxiety
- Agitation
- Intrusive images (especially in traumatic losses)
- Anger or irritability
This is common in sudden bereavements (accidents, suicides, sudden diagnoses) or in conflictual separations.
The nervous system is in 'danger' mode.
3) Dorsovagal state – Blockage and shutdown
This state can manifest as:
- Feeling of emptiness
- Emotional numbness
- Deep fatigue
- Difficulty feeling emotions
Many people worry: "Why don't I feel anything? Do I no longer care?"
In reality, it is a protective response: the system shuts down so as not to be overwhelmed.
Grief and oscillation: why do I swing from everything to nothing?
One of the most important aspects is this: we do not remain in a single state. We can go from:
- From anxiety to emptiness
- From crying to withdrawal
- From connection to isolation
This oscillation does not mean that you are 'reacting badly'. It means that your nervous system is seeking a new balance.
Polyvagal Theory integrates well with the Dual Process Model of grief (Stroebe & Schut): the alternation between confronting loss and returning to daily life has a neurophysiological basis.
What if the loss is not a death?
The polyvagal interpretation is also particularly useful in 'non-traditional' losses:
- End of a relationship
- Loss of job or professional role
- Loss of health
- Family breakdown
- Loss of faith or value system
- etc.
In all these situations, the nervous system may perceive:
- Loss of security
- Loss of belonging
- Loss of identity
And react accordingly.
5 polyvagal micro-practices for grief and loss
It's not about 'controlling' the pain, but helping the nervous system feel a little safer.
1️⃣ Spatial orientation
Look around you and name 5 objects. This helps the brain return to the present.
2️⃣ Long exhalation breathing
Inhale for 4 seconds, exhale for 6–7 seconds. Exhaling activates the ventrovagal branch.
3️⃣ Secure contact
Place one hand on your chest or abdomen. Your body will feel contained.
4️⃣ Voice and sound
Hum, talk to someone, read aloud. The vagus nerve is connected to vocalisation.
5️⃣ Micro-connections
Even a brief exchange of glances or a message to a trusted person can reactivate the feeling of security.
When is professional help needed?
If:
- You remain in a state of intense blockage or alarm for weeks
- Intrusive images do not diminish
- Your daily functioning is severely impaired
- You have thoughts of self-harm
It is important to seek help from a professional who is experienced in grief and trauma.
Approaches such as EMDR, ACT, CFT, and PGDT can integrate polyvagal work in a structured and safe manner.
In summary, Polyvagal Theory helps us understand that:
- Grief is not only emotional, it is neurobiological.
- Anxiety, emptiness, agitation, and shutdown are adaptive responses.
- You are not 'wrong': your system is trying to protect you.
- It is possible to help the body regain safety, one step at a time.