How to talk about your loss: finding the words when they seem to be missing

June 20, 2026 · Luca Luca · Uncategorized

There comes a time, when you’re grieving, when you find yourself faced with a very real and difficult situation: someone asks you ‘How are you?’, or you have to explain what’s happened, or you feel the need – but also the struggle – to talk about your loss.

And that’s when something very simple and yet very complex can happen: you don’t know what to say; you just don’t know what to say.

The words don’t come, or they do but they don’t really capture how you feel. Sometimes you feel you’re saying too much. Other times, too little. Sometimes you feel exposed. Other times, invisible.

If you’re asking yourself this question – how do I talk about what I’m going through? – you’re experiencing something very common and also very delicate… I’ll try to talk about it in this article 😉

 

There’s no ‘right’ way to talk about your loss

The first important thing to say is this: there’s no ‘right’ way, nor any ideal way, to talk about grief.

There isn’t:

  • the ‘right’ version
  • the most appropriate tone
  • the perfect level of openness

What does exist is your own way, at that precise moment, because talking about a loss is not just about conveying information. It’s about laying yourself bare. It’s about sharing something that affects you deeply. And this changes over time.

Why is it so difficult to talk about it?

Talking about a loss is difficult for various reasons, even if they aren’t always immediately obvious.

On the one hand, you’re searching for words to describe something that’s often still unclear even to yourself. On the other, you find yourself doing so within a relationship: someone is listening, reacting, interpreting. And in the middle of it all, there’s you… and various tensions can arise:

  • the need to be understood
  • the fear of not being understood
  • the desire to speak
  • the struggle to do so

At times, you might want to tell them everything. At others, you might not want to say anything at all. Both are perfectly valid.

 

Two different ways of expressing yourself (and what’s going on inside)

To help you find your way, it may be useful to look at two contrasting approaches, both of which are common.

 

1. Telling it all, straight away

“My father has died. This is what happened. This is how I feel. I can’t cope.”

In this approach, the account is direct, immediate and often emotionally charged. It can be a way to:

  • release what’s inside
  • seek connection
  • not hold back

But it can also reveal a great deal, especially if the listener isn’t ready or doesn’t know how to be present in that moment.

 

2. Saying little, or almost nothing

“Yes, it’s a bit of a difficult time.” “I’ve suffered a loss.”

Here, the story is contained, protected. It can be a way to:

  • avoid feeling too exposed
  • maintain a sense of control
  • take your time

But it can also leave a feeling of distance, as if an important part of you remains outside the relationship.

 

Between these two extremes, there is a possibility

You don’t have to choose between ‘saying everything’ or ‘saying nothing’. You can find a middle ground that’s more flexible, for example:

  • “I’m going through a difficult time. I don’t always feel like talking about it, but sometimes I do.”
  • “It’s not an easy time for me. If you’d like, we can talk about it calmly, but not right now.”
  • “It helps me to talk about it, but I need it to be in a calm way.”

These phrases aren’t set phrases to be learnt by heart. They’re examples to show you that you can set the boundaries yourself.

 

Who to tell (and who not to tell)

Another key point is choosing who to talk to. Not everyone is suited to listening to someone who’s grieving, and this isn’t a judgement on them, but simply a fact of life. Some people:

  • play it down
  • change the subject
  • try to ‘fix’ things straight away

Others, on the other hand:

  • know how to be there
  • listen without intruding
  • don’t feel the need to fill the silence

Recognising this difference can help protect you. You don’t have to tell everyone everything; you can choose. You’ll find further considerations in the guide ‘How to help someone who is grieving’

 

Sharing isn’t just about talking

There is another important aspect: sharing your loss doesn’t just happen through words. It can happen through:

  • writing
  • a message
  • a gesture
  • a shared silence

Sometimes writing is easier than speaking. Sometimes saying just a few words is more genuine than a long story. There is no single ‘right’ way.

 

When you’re lost for words

There are times when you simply can’t speak; there may be confusion, a sense of emptiness, or a mental block. In such cases, it can help to acknowledge it:

  • “I still can’t quite put it into words.”
  • “I’m not quite sure what to say.”

It’s not a shortcoming. It’s a phase. Grief takes its own time, even when it comes to language. We discuss these inner processes in detail in the guide *Emotions in Grief: A Complete Guide to What You Might Feel After a Loss*

Moreover, whilst talking about it may be difficult or very intense at first, things change over time. It doesn’t necessarily become easy, but it does become different. Words may become:

  • clearer
  • more essential
  • less overwhelming

And above all, the story is no longer just about what happened, but also about what is changing within you.

 

Talking about it can also be a way of coming to terms with it

Talking about one’s loss is not just about communication. It is also a way to:

  • give shape to the experience
  • make it something that can be shared
  • avoid being completely alone

During the grieving process, this can be of great value, not because ‘you have to do it’, but because it can become an opportunity.

In the guide *How to Cope with Grief: Strategies, Advice and Exercises for Coping with the Loss of a Loved One*, you’ll find various strategies as well as practical exercises

If talking about your loss leaves you completely paralysed, or conversely overwhelms you every time, it can be helpful not to go through this process alone. Having a safe space where you can talk about it, without rushing and without pressure, can make all the difference.

 

Every loss has a different story

Finally, it’s important to remember that the way you tell your story also depends on the loss you’re experiencing. Losing a parent, a partner, a child or someone with whom you had a complex relationship profoundly changes the way that story takes shape.

It’s not just ‘what you say’. It’s also the kind of relationship you’re trying to express. Here you’ll find a comprehensive guide to the various types of grief and loss.

 

In summary

Talking about your loss isn’t a task to be ‘got right’; it’s a process made up of attempts, adjustments, moments when you manage to say something and others when you don’t. You can:

  • say a lot or say very little
  • choose who to talk to
  • change your approach over time

And above all, you can allow yourself this: not yet having all the right words.

Because, in grief, even language is built as you go along.