Grief in children: how it changes with age and what signs to look out for

When a child experiences a loss, one of the questions adults most frequently ask is: “How are they really coping?”

The answer is not straightforward, because grief in childhood does not manifest in the same way for everyone, nor does it follow a linear path. It changes with age, with emotional and cognitive development, and is often expressed in ways that differ from those we are used to seeing in adults.

Understanding how children experience grief at different stages of development can help parents, teachers and professionals recognise the signs and support them more effectively.

 0–3 years: loss as absence

In the early years of life, a child does not yet understand death as a definitive and irreversible event. However, they are extremely sensitive to separation and change.

What they experience is primarily:

• the absence of a key figure
• a disruption to their routine
• emotional changes in adults

The most common reactions may include:

• more frequent crying
• difficulty sleeping
• a greater need for contact and reassurance
• irritability

At this stage, the main need is not to understand, but to feel safe.

3–6 years: between fantasy and reality

In the pre-school years, children begin to wonder about death, but often conceive of it as something reversible or temporary. Their understanding of reality is still dominated by magical thinking, and there is a tendency towards self-referentiality.

It may happen that:

• they believe the person might return
• they think they are somehow responsible (“it’s my fault”)
• they ask many questions, including repetitive ones

The most common experiences include:

• confusion
• fear of separation
• guilt
• rapid shifts between sadness and play
• behavioural regression

At this age, it is essential to provide simple and clear explanations, avoiding metaphors that might increase confusion.

6–10 years: awareness of finality

As children start primary school, they gradually develop a more realistic understanding of death: they begin to grasp its finality and universality.

This can lead to:

• greater awareness of grief
• more concrete and direct questions
• an interest in the biological aspects of death

The most common experiences are:

• deep sadness
• anger
• fear that it will happen to other loved ones
• difficulty concentrating

At this stage, the child may begin to develop their own narrative of the event, and it is important to support them in this process.

Pre-adolescence and adolescence: between intense emotions and the search for meaning

In adolescents, grief is intertwined with the processes of identity formation. Their understanding of death is now similar to that of an adult, but the emotional management of grief can be particularly intense.

Experiences may include:

• deep sorrow
• anger or a sense of injustice
• isolation
• a need for independence alternating with a need for closeness

Sometimes grief can also be expressed indirectly, through:

• changes in behaviour
• withdrawal from relationships
• difficulties at school

At this stage, it is important not to interpret this withdrawal as indifference, but as a possible form of self-protection.

Cross-cutting signs: how grief manifests itself in children

Beyond age-related differences, there are some common and natural signs in the early stages following a loss that may indicate a child is grieving:

• regression (behaviour typical of earlier ages)
• sleep disturbances
• changes in appetite
• difficulty concentrating
• increased irritability or withdrawal
• a need to ask the same questions over and over

An important point to remember is that grief in children is often intermittent: moments of sadness may alternate with moments of playfulness and light-heartedness. This does not mean that the child has ‘forgotten’, but that they are processing their grief in small doses.

Supporting their experiences

When faced with these expressions, the adult’s role is not to correct or normalise at all costs, but to recognise and accept them.

Every age brings with it different needs, but some elements remain fundamental:

• telling the truth in an age-appropriate way and answering questions honestly
• being willing to listen
• accepting emotions without judging them or being alarmed
• maintaining a steady presence

Attentive support ensures that the child is not left alone with their experience and allows them to develop, over time, a personal understanding of what has happened.

Grief in childhood is not merely an event to be ‘got over’, but an experience that needs to be reflected upon, expressed and integrated.

When children find adults capable of standing by them, the pain can gradually transform, making way for memories, inner bonds and new forms of continuity.

And it is precisely through this process that grief, whilst remaining a difficult experience, can also become a step towards emotional growth.

The article was written by Dr Elisa Ciani, psychologist and psychotherapist. Elisa will be hosting a free online session on Monday 8 June 2026, from 6pm to 7pm, focusing on these very issues:

Grief in childhood: how to support children through experiences of loss