When you lose a loved one, one of the things you hear most often is: “You’ll see, you’ll get over it in time.”

It is a phrase almost always spoken with good intentions, but for many people who are grieving, it can be difficult to accept.

Those experiencing a significant loss often feel that grief is not something that can simply be ‘got over’, in the same way one gets over an illness or a difficult period in life. The death of someone we love profoundly changes our reality, our identity and the way we look to the future.

For this reason, many psychologists today prefer to use a different phrase: grief is not something you get over, but something you go through.

Understanding this concept can help us experience grief with less guilt, less pressure and more respect for our own personal journey.

To better understand what this means, it can be helpful to start with a broader understanding of what happens when we lose someone. For a general overview of the grieving process, you can also read this guide: Coping with Grief: A Complete Guide to Dealing with Loss

Why the idea of ‘getting over grief’ can be misleading

In everyday language, we are used to thinking of pain as something that must eventually come to an end. When we go through a difficult time, we imagine a linear path: first the suffering, then healing, and finally a return to normality.

Applying this model to grief, however, can be problematic.

When a significant person dies, we do not just lose someone. We also lose:

• an important relationship
• shared daily routines
• plans for the future
• parts of our identity built around that bond

For this reason, grief is not simply a painful phase that eventually comes to an end. It is a profound change in the fabric of our lives.

Thinking that grief must be ‘got over’ can create unrealistic expectations and make some people feel as though there is something wrong with them if the pain persists over time.

Many of the difficulties that arise during grief – such as intense sadness, recurring thoughts or a sense of emptiness – are actually natural reactions to loss. If you want to better understand these experiences, you can also explore the guide dedicated to emotions in grief: Emotions in grief: a comprehensive guide to what you may feel after a loss

Grief as a process of transformation

In recent decades, the psychology of grief has profoundly changed our understanding of this process.

More and more studies show that coming to terms with a loss does not mean forgetting the loved one or completely severing the bond with them. Rather, grief involves a transformation of the relationship.

The relationship changes form.

It is no longer based on physical presence or shared moments in the present, but can continue to exist through:

• memories
• the values passed on by the loved one
• the experiences shared together
• the way in which that relationship helped shape us

In this sense, grief does not erase the bond. It transforms it.

Going through the grieving process therefore means learning to carry that relationship with you in a new way.

This process is one of the central aspects of psychological work on loss and is often addressed in psychological support or psychotherapy programmes. If you want to understand when this type of help can be useful, you can find out more here: Counselling and Psychotherapy for Coping with Grief and Loss

Working through the pain rather than avoiding it

To say that grief is something to be worked through also means recognising another fundamental aspect: pain needs to be experienced.

When suffering is very intense, the most natural reaction is to try to avoid it. Some people try to distract themselves constantly, not to think about the loss, or to fill every moment of the day.

These strategies may offer temporary relief, but in the long term they risk stalling the grieving process.

Working through grief, on the other hand, means gradually finding a space where you can:

• acknowledge the pain
• name your emotions
• share your experience with someone
• find ways to look after oneself

This process does not mean remaining immersed in suffering all the time. Grief consists of natural fluctuations between moments of contact with the pain and moments of respite.

If you are looking for practical tools to help you through these stages, you can also find practical strategies in the guide dedicated to this topic: Coping with grief: strategies, advice and exercises to help you through the loss of a loved one

Grief comes in waves

Many people describe grief as something that comes in waves.

There may be days when the grief seems lighter and others when it suddenly returns with great intensity. This can happen even months or years later.

Certain events can trigger memories of the loved one:

• anniversaries
• holidays
• meaningful places
• objects linked to the relationship

When these emotions resurface, it can be easy to think that you have taken a step backwards in the grieving process.

In reality, it is often simply another stage in the process of coming to terms with the loss.

Understanding these dynamics is also important because grief can take different forms depending on the relationship with the person who has passed away. For example, grief over the loss of a parent, a child or a partner can have different characteristics. To explore this topic further, you can also read: Types of Grief and Loss: all the forms of pain that can change your life

Living with the loss

Going through the grieving process means slowly learning to live with the loss.

At first, this idea may seem impossible. The pain can be so intense that it is difficult to imagine life without the loved one.

Over time, however, many people discover that their relationship with that person can find a new place in their lives.

This can happen through:

• shared memories with others
• rituals of remembrance
• meaningful objects or places
• values or lessons that continue to guide one’s choices

These elements allow the loved one to remain part of our story.

The role of others in the grieving process

Another important aspect of grief concerns social support.

Although loss is a deeply personal experience, many people find that sharing their grief with others can help them feel less alone.

Talking to friends, family or people who have been through similar experiences can provide a space where you feel understood.

At the same time, it is not always easy to know how to help someone who is experiencing a loss. If you want to better understand how to offer support to those going through grief, you can also explore this guide: How to help someone who is grieving

Grief changes over time

An important aspect of the grieving process is that grief tends to change over time.

At first, it can be very intense and overwhelming. Some people describe a feeling of deep emptiness or disbelief.

As months or years go by, grief can change form. Sadness may remain, but it often becomes less constant.

Other emotions may also emerge, such as:

• gratitude for the time shared
• tenderness in memories
• a sense of continuity with the relationship

This change does not mean that the loss ceases to matter. It means that the person is gradually integrating the loss into their life.

There is no ‘right’ way to grieve

Every experience of grief is unique.

There is no ‘right’ length of time for grief, and there is no single path that is the same for everyone. Some people find a new balance more quickly, others need more time.

Various factors can influence the process:

• the nature of the relationship with the loved one
• the circumstances of the death
• the social support available
• your personal history

Comparing how others cope with grief may be of little help or even painful.

Going through the grieving process also means respecting your own pace.

Going through the grieving process means learning to live with the loss

Saying that grief is something one goes through does not mean denying the pain of loss. It means recognising that this pain is part of a broader process of transformation.

Over time, many people discover that it is possible to:

• continue to love those who are no longer with us
• keep the memory of the relationship alive
• find new meaning in one’s life

Grief does not erase the past, but it can become part of one’s own story.

Going through it means allowing life to continue to evolve, carrying the bond with the loved one forward in a new form.

It is not about forgetting.
It is about learning to live with what remains of love.